Finding Benjamins - Haraldr Madsen Adventure 2

Out walking in the heat of night half-past 10, when I run into a big find. Removed it from under the abandoned warehouse before this lone cop shows up. A good-looking skinny kid ‘bout late 30s, stand ‘bout 5/7. Smiles up one-side like a half-moon. Cop hat sits to one side. Waiting right when I come out, hand on his right holster. Looks me up and down scrunching his crooked nose. Got punched in a brawl, I bet. Couldn’t reach his gun fast enough. Punk. His kind is supposed to protect us, this new generation of what-cha call ‘em? Mellenums? Or X-Factions? I take being a tough Boomer any day. Take my age honestly with a pint of whisky, when I’m at home. Whisky makes me frisky.

I reach my large hand out to shake his.

He flashes his badge and says, “I’m Officer John Dunno.” Rears back in disgust, half-moon smile fades.

I hold my hand up to my face. Pull up my nose like his. “Whew!” I drop my hand to my side like the other. Wipe them down my stained blue jeans.

“Sorry officer. I dun-know why I offered my hand. Forget I got mud and soot on me from chimney droppings. I probably smell like shit too. Left behind by homeless peeps and vermin.” I point at Dunno’s feet. His left foot clipping the side of vermin shit. He don’t look down; he don’t move.

Then I say, “You dun-know why I’m here?” I laugh. He don’t. I stop laughing. Don’t want Dunno to take me in ‘cause he dun-know.

I get serious and say, “Officer Dunno, I found them right in there. I wouldn’t lie about pickin’ through a pile of shit.”

“Dun-know,” says Dunno, shruggin. “How about you tell me where you got that wad in your pocket.” He points with his right shoulder without removing his hand from his holster.

So, I tell the officer what I do know…

“I was out walking, left my house ‘bout half mile that way.” Flip, flip my right hand in the direction behind him. “When I got near here, a ghastly stench attacks my nose like after inhaling boiled pig guts. Do you know what those are officer?” I ask. “Chitlins. A friend of mines’ colored wife cooks ‘em. Stink to high hell. But then I’m thinking, it’s the chili dog and warm brewskee blowing out my ass, and belching up through my throat.” I rub my throat. Burp.

Officer Dunno lifts his brows like what the fuck.

“S’cuse me, officer.” I begin again, “I was out walking because I farted up the house. Right after eating greasy chicken fried steak. Annoys my young wife Jody when I fart. “Calls my real name when she gets pissy. Haraldr Madsen take your stank-ass outta here!” Right before I get out another fart.” I chuckle. “Otherwise I’m bubba.” I say this smugly. “I’m a lady’s man officer. Jody’s 37.” Dunno sighs, rolls his eyes around in a circle, raises his voice slightly and asks, “Why are you here? What’s up with the wad?”

“I’m getting to it officer,” I says. “See, I blows out most of my farts, decides to keep walking towards old town. Stop at Teddy Lumpkin’s Bar, pitch a few brewskees with friends.” I flip, flip my left hand over my right shoulder toward Lumpkin’s.

“I stop here at this abandoned Worthouse Building once used for skinning chickens. Been empty for 20 years. Nothing being skinned tonight. Ha! I remember skinning a couple myself. On Tuesdays, when they allow folks to come in, pick a chicken, ring its neck and pluck the feathers. Reduce the price by a couple of dollars.” I cup my chin, thinkin’. “You probably too young to remember.”

I keep talking, ignoring his heavy sigh. “My wife complains ‘bout my big belly she rubs anyway. Probably ‘cause I still got these baby blues she fell in love with.”

Back on track. “I turns up my nose, guessing the odor is comin from the rusty vents of this crumpling dirty white stucco. Leans sideways like a broken hip. You can still see the charcoal burns from the old fire.” I nod my head backwards. “A real shame how they left it. Dirt-stained, moldy glass windows ‘cross the front. Window pieces falling, cluttering the walkway with sharp shanks.”

I look down, right as a mouse crosses my foot. “Damn vermin.” Shaking my head, I look at Dunno. “They come from the large, jagged hole on the bottom next to the boarded-up door.” I nod my head backwards. “Alley cats, rats, possums constantly crunch, crunchin over these broken shanks. Disappear into that there tall, uncut grass covering the sides and back of the building.” I scrunch my forehead. “I seen newborn possum babies officer. Inside the hole.” I bend over slightly, thrust the tip of my shoulder toward the hole I come out of.

“Ugly vermin babies with raw pink skin in driblets of blood. Night predators gunna eat ‘em alive, if their mamas don’t show soon.”

Officer Dunno tilts his head left. Staring like he don’t believe me.

Don’t matter. I know what’s true. Like the hazy moon hiding half-way behind the withered roof. Blistered ivy traveling up the side of wall, up the chimney side. Topples over roping down the inside for water bugs and long-legged hairy spiders to grab hold of.

“The soot floor is where I find Benjamin after I crawled in. It was like St. Luke were guiding me over to the fireplace not far from the hole. I see the tip of something sticking from the soot. I pull on it. The angels sing. It was him. I dig through nasty soot and find more like the two I find right near the sidewalk. Count up to 5000 with the face of the statesman, inventor, diplomat and American founding father. Benjamin Franklin!